"If there is a single event in all of the universe that can occur outside of
God's sovereign control, then we cannot trust Him." -- Jerry Bridges, Trusting God
Thankfully, there is no such event. However, it seems like I've been living as if there is. RUF Assistant Coordinator John Stone told us interns at training that many of our transmissions would go out over the summer. From what I hear, that has unfortunately come true for many of my fellow interns. (How does he know???) Well, my vehicle is still chuggin' along just fine, but it seems like as the summer goes along, I'm the one who appears to be breaking down.
Okay...so that's a bit of an exaggeration. However, over the last few months, it's been one health problem after another that's popped up. Some were due to end-of-the-year stress and have since passed, but other conditions have stuck around. None of it is serious. It's more at the level of a nuisance right now, but for someone who's had hypochrondriac-like tendencies, any kind of medical conditions aren't exactly good for my peace of mind.
The truth is, if there's one particular area of my life that I have not trusted God in, it's...well...my life. This is why even the mildest unexplained symptoms can sometimes leave me almost paralyzed in fear. It's not a mental issue. It's a trust issue. The Scriptures say that God has ordained the number of our days from before the foundation of the world, but it seems that I just don't trust God to pick the right number for me. I know He has it under control...but what if I don't like His plan?
So what better distraction during the summer I'm supposed to be focused on support raising and preparing for my internship with RUF than a seemingly endless parade of health issues to deal with? He knows how to get our attention, doesn't He?
Unfortunately, while these issues have gotten my attention, I haven't kept my eyes on Him. Instead, like Peter, I find myself looking away from my Savior toward the waves crashing around my feet, and I start to sink. Panicking, I only make it worse, and I sink faster. I try to look back up to Jesus, but each time waves crash right in my face and I find myself plunged back under the surface, not even knowing which way is up. That's when I feel His hand firmly but lovingly grab my arm and pull me back above the waves. And then, just what He said to Peter, "Oh you of little faith, why did you doubt?"
I have been so blessed, and I'm almost ashamed to admit that such minor trials as the ones I face have thrown me for such a loop. If I'm not able to trust God with such small concerns, perhaps my faith in His sovereignty and His goodness isn't quite as solid as I had thought.
While I do ask for your prayers about these several (but minor) health concerns, my main request for prayer is for my heart condition. Not my physical heart, mind you, but my spiritual heart. This has been a wonderful summer already in so many ways, but it has also been very difficult as I often find myself struggling with worry, anxiety, and fear. Just the smallest obstacles and distractions are causing me to take my eyes off of my Savior, just when I need to be drawing closer to Him.
Part of me says this is the worst possible time for all of this to happen, but then I have to think that perhaps this is the best time. The whole internship is going to be a lesson in trusting God and depending on Him. These are lessons I need to learn now...not just for the internship, but for life.
God is indeed in control. He holds my life in His hands, and His plan is perfect. He is sovereign to do whatever He pleases...and He loves me! Why should I worry and fret? I can take steps to get these issues under control, but even those plans are futile without Him. I pray that God will use these minor issues now to develop a deeper sense of trust and reliance upon Him.
Thank you all so much for your prayers and encouragement. I have already felt God working on my heart through this internship process, and while I know it will be difficult, I'm looking forward to it with great anticipation.
In Christ,
Stephen
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